Kell: Part 2

Now it was December. We didn't want to travel back to Utah but we made it back to Idaho Falls where we were honestly still hoping for the best that by some miracle they read the MRI wrong and that the real professional had come in and set everybody straight. We had a video conference with another Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor. I will never forget him. He was great. Can I just make an aside here and describe Dr Ball for posterity? He had the most amazing hair: like the most lush silver lawn sticking straight up from his handsome face. His shirt, sweater, tie, and-we found out later when we met him in person-his socks, were loud and strangely coordinated. Though he had no accent we later found out he was raised in Europe which oddly made sense. ANYWAYS… lost my train of thought…
     Back on track with a new paragraph: He had put together everything from the ultrasounds and the MRI and all the things the other doctors had found and gave us a diagnosis. It was not simply hydrocephalous. Our baby's head was normal size. There was no pressure being put on his skull. There was extra water in his head but not because there was any kind of blockage. The fluid was simply taking up space that his small, smooth, deformed brain was not. Even more concerning was his brainstem. It was deformed. Particularly in the part that controls breathing and swallowing. If he could breathe he wouldn't be able to swallow. The only question I remember asking was if we should deliver at the U of U hospital or if we should be closer to home. In his professional and paternal opinion there was no need. There would be nothing they could do for our baby and it would be most beneficial to give birth where we were close to friends and family who could support us and, hopefully, meet him.
   At this point our sweet nurse who we had come to love and who we had come to love and depend of for emotional and medical support said the kindest thing anyone could have said at that point: "Dammit". "Dammit" she said as she cried with us. I've never sworn in my life but "dammit" I said in my head, for once feeling that was appropriate.

    We met with that doctor and our nurse two more times. Once with a neonatologist to discuss what we would do. It was a long meeting and in the end we decided the best option would be comfort care. If he breathed we would give him medication to calm him and relax him, and food to comfort him, but we wouldn't artificially breathe for him. We would deliver in Idaho Falls where they could make him the most comfortable. We met with them again, this time with our parents, which our doctor kindly offered to do, so they could have all their questions answered. By this time we were tired of being the middlemen and trying to explain what was going on. We also talked to a social worker who could line up a photographer, someone to cast his hand and foot, and emotional support.
   At this point I would like to say thank you. With all this going on I know we had so many people praying and fasting for us and it strengthened us. I had priesthood blessings that comforted me and assured me that, though the worry would not go away, everything would be okay.  Thank you for caring and asking us and offering to help and making Christmas special even though we had no money and Troy had been sick and had is own health problems (a whole other blog post).
  We found an OB in Idaho falls we felt comfortable with and I went to his office once a week. He was kind and reassuring and didn't want to cause more complications by inducing me too early and wanted to wait until my body was ready. I cried after every appointment. This pregnancy was getting long and the emotional roller coaster we were on was exhausting. It was at this point that I knew there was so little I could control. I was doing dishes one day and I worked out what I could control and I prayed. I told God that we were in his hands and that the only things I could do were carry this baby to term, nurture him and care for him while he was here, and  love him forever. Those were the only things I could control and I put the rest in His hands.